The Buffalo Wing Treatise...

So, I am watching Alton Brown the other night cook Buffalo chicken wings and discovered yet another reason to brand the man an utter jackwagon. Thank you American TV for your witty commercials, because I really lacked a word to describe my feelings about Mr. Brown until that Geico commercial.

The first reason for wagonhood his ugly diatribe against fat people in America, which was aided and abetted by Anthony Bourdain. I have forgiven Bourdain, he says stupid, ugly things fairly often, it's part of the schtick. I get it. But Brown was my go to science food expert, prone to geeky, entertaining explication rather than the spouting of bullshit, judgmental weight loss rhetoric. It was the ultimate bait and switch betrayal and if I find a willing shaman, a curse is coming his way.

Now...a more serious and sinister reason to color the man jackwagon, to wit this statement during the show, "Deep fat frying is not the best method to cook Buffalo chicken wings." After which he proceeds to demonstrate an utterly pointless, time consuming process of steaming, refrigerator cooling/drying and oven roasting the damned things. Who has three damned days to make wings you jackwagon?

Besides which, you can no longer call those Buffalo wings and herein lies the basis of The Buffalo Wing Treatise, something I have been developing since my first experience with Buffalo wings twenty plus years ago, but which restaurateurs seem only too willing to ignore when they prepare an appetizer menu:

Part the First: Buffalo wings are NOT FUCKING breaded! They are unadulterated, naked chicken wings with the tips trimmed (saved for stock of course) and divided into drums and "two piecers." Any chicken which is breaded and deep fat fried is FRIED chicken. Fried chicken is awesome, it's NOT Buffalo, no matter what sauce you attempt to redeem it with.

Part the Second: Buffalo wings are, read after me Mr. Brown, DEEP FAT FRIED. Oven roasted wings in virtually any capacity, remind me of the Wings of Fire served at SUNY Oswego dining hall circa 1986: limp, barely cooked attempts at keeping hip with the youth trends. Deep fryng creates the necessary crisp exterior to stand up to the coming immersion in sauce.

Part the Third: Buffalo wings are sauced with a simple combination of cayenne hot sauce, moderated with butter in whatever quantity you find suitable. They are NOT BBQ flavored, teriyaki scented or citrus glazed.

Part the Fourth: Buffalo wings are served with chunky blue cheese dipping sauce (OK...salad dressing) and ice cold celery. Take that ranch based sauce and shove it, it's a California based abomination of nature on salad, let alone Buffalo wings.

Part the Fifth: There are some allowable variations on the above:

First, you can add ice cold carrots to the side of celery if you must. I like carrots. They're good for the eyes.

Second, the addition of Seven Seas Italian Dressing Seasoning or accentuation of the cayenne component (pepper flakes, powdered cayenne, etc.) of the sauce is permissible, so long as it does not overshadow the primary components.

Third, I have had roasted wings at Phil's Restaurant, Wading River, NY which are finished under a Salamander with the correct cayenne based sauce which approached the necessary crisp consistency and did not raise my hackles when called Buffalo wings. I might be getting soft in my old age.

So there you have the Buffalo Wing Treatise, read it, learn it, live it and be sure to tell your friendly local restaurant owner to stop calling those breaded, BBQ sauced, ranch dressing on the side pieces of fried chicken Buffalo wings. They might be good, they might even be great, but they ain't Buffalo!

Postscript the first: I saw a recent Bourdain show. A 10 year anniversary effort in Cambodia. Looking a little chunky Tony. Welcome to the dark side brother!

Postcript the second: The platter of wings in the photo, is from Gator's Restaurant in Hampton Bays, NY, a Treatise adherent in good standing and one of the few places on Long Island where I will order the Buffalo wings. Yes...they served carrots.